


Bittersweet Abandon

by hpautumngrl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, deaged!sam, human!Cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-13
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-18 13:59:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/561816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hpautumngrl/pseuds/hpautumngrl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything was finally going great for Dean. His angel was back from Purgatory, his brother was talking to him again (in a non-passive aggressive fashion), he was working through his own issues. And then the powers that be decided to intervene and dole out their own punishments for the missteps of the Hunters and their Angel. Now Dean's stuck re-raising his little brother and trying to keep Cas from going batshit insane over trying to deal with human emotions. Because one wrong step and it's all over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is How things Got Weird

**Author's Note:**

> In this verse Sam has been deaged to just before six-months-old, Dean to around 28, and Cas is pretty much a ten-year-old trapped in a 30-year-old's body.

"I didn't do so badly the first time around, right Sammy? We can figure this out. We'll be fine. We'll be okay." Dean rocked the very tiny Sam back and forth, trying to get him to calm down. Dean had spent the last 45 minutes pacing back and forth across Sam's nursery room, infant clutched to his chest as weak sobs wracked his small frame. He'd forgotten how loud and squirmy of a baby Sam had been. He'd forgotten a lot about that time frame really, given that he wasn't much more than a toddler himself at the time either. But he was an adult now... trying to re-raise his brother. What the hell had he gotten himself into?

***

_Dean broke into the room like he was storming the gates of hell, which truth be told, this was kind of the same thing. Things had finally been okay; Cas had made it back from Purgatory, Sam had forgiven him for the whole Benny thing, he was working through his own issues. Life was good._

_Then the fucking powers that be had to intervene._

_Dean had woken up to an empty motel room that looked like it had been robbed. Furniture was scattered, sheets ripped and somehow Dean had been out during the whole thing? Foul play._

_Months of research, a few failed attempts at rescue and summoning and now he was here, breaking into the Heavens of the Higher. Not his heaven. No. A fucking palace for beings that sought fit to do whatever the fuck they pleased apparently._

_His second instinct when he broke into the room was to hide. The scary clean white and gold walls caught him off guard. He'd expected torture chambers and dungeon cells, not this. His first instinct was find Sam and Cas. The guards stationed at the other doors in the room didn't even flinch as he shot them down one by one - some guards they were._

_He tried the first door to his right. Nothing._

_He tried the door across from where he'd entered. Nothing._

_The final door on the left was his only option. All he got was a hallway. Okay, progress. Hallways led places - places he wasn't sure he wanted to go but places none the less. The stark white hallway had but one door at the very end. It was simple: no embellishments of any kind just a small gold door knob in the middle and to the right._

_Dean turned the knob quickly, poking in his head, followed by his gun. Another empty room. This fucking building was getting on his nerves._

_"Where the hell are you, you sons of bitches!" he screamed in frustration._

_A small, robed creature appeared before him in a poof of smoke. It giggled childishly, looking at him through wide, comical eyes._

_"You think this is funny? Where's my brother and the angel you son of a bitch? No tricks, just answers." He leveled his gun to the small character's face, trademark snarl on his mouth._

_"Oh, Dean. Don't you know the magic word?" It disappeared and reappeared behind Dean. Dean spun around to face it again; gun automatically gravitating to what Dean assumed would be a fatal area._

_"If you don't tell me, I swear to God..."_

_"GOD HAS NO PLACE HERE!" it shouted, eyes going fiery red, visible skin glowing orange. It calmed after a moment, fading back to its near Albino paler. "Forgive me. The rules here are simple, Dean. Ask politely and thou shall receive._

_Dean seethed for a moment before calming himself enough to squeak out "tell me where my brother and the angel are... please."_

_The character smiled before disappearing. A section of wall behind where he had been slowly disintegrated, revealing... another white fucking room. Dean stepped through the opening, glanced around and his heart stopped._

_There - huddled in one corner of the room, trapped behind a large pane of glass - was Sam. Dean took a moment to look around the room and found Cas in the opposite corner, an identical glass pane separating him from the rest of the room. Dean took a step to his left toward Sam and was blocked by the sudden appearance of a column of stone. He took a step to his right. Another column appeared._

_"Oh come on!" he shouted in frustration, kicking the pillar to his right. He immediately regretted that decision, pain shooting up his leg._

_A crowd of people appeared in front of him. If he'd watched Disney's Hercules, he would have said that the crowd looked like the Gods and Goddesses of Mt. Olympus - which, okay, he totally had, but that was beside the point._

_"Dean Winchester." A loud voice from a gruff looking figure called._

_"Yes?"_

_"Do you recognize the two creatures in the room next to you?"_

_Dean's nostrils flared at the use of the word creature. "Yes. I recognize the human and the angel in the room."_

_"If called upon to, could you defend their actions and grievances against the universe?"_

_Um. Okay. They just got right to the heart of the matter didn't they?_

_Dean thought about it for a moment. They couldn’t have done anything too horrible to atone for, right? "Yeah I suppose I could."_

_"Oh could you?"_

_Dean was getting cocky now. "Yeah, I could."_

_"Would you like to know why you're defending them before you start?"_

_Dean thought about that for a second, "Yeah. I suppose I would."_

_"We have brought you before us the creature known as Sam Winchester and the creature affectionately known as Castiel. They have been brought here on charges of 'crimes against the natural order;' 'disruption of the universe;' and 'conduct unbefitting of a creature of Earth.'"_

_Wow. How the hell old were those laws? Bogus, pansy-ass, dope-inspired -_

_A small throat clearing broke his train of thought._

_"What!"_

_"We can hear everything you're thinking."_

_Oh. Whoops._

***

Dean placed the finally sleeping Sam back in his crib. It had been a long two weeks for all of them.

Yes, Dean had always been great with kids, hell; he’d practically raised Sam the first time around too. But he’d never had to raise an infant. He was terrified something was going to go horribly wrong.

“Good night, Sammy. Sleep well.” He reached over to turn the baby monitor on, shut the bedroom light off, and closed the door with a small click. He shuffled down the hallway to his own room – the one he shared with Cas anyway – and immediately flopped onto the bed. The clock on the nightstand mocked him, 2:15 am blinking steadily, bright red against the dark.

“Is Sam okay?” asked Cas, voice weary with sleep.

“Sam’s fine. He’s six-months-old; this is still normal… I think.” He really should have been reading those books by Dr. Spock or whoever. Even if they had nothing to do with Star Trek, they’d probably be somewhat helpful. “Just go back to sleep, Cas.”

It was still weird to think of Cas sleeping even though he was in the bed, next to Dean, every single night. Dean figured he’d never really get used to it. Hell, he was still waiting for someone to pull the curtain away and reveal this all as one cosmic joke with a hidden lesson. He didn’t know what that lesson might have been though, which was the only thing convincing him this wasn’t a ploy or joke. I was just his life now. And he had to learn to deal with it.

***

_“The point still stands: those are some bogus ass charges okay. I don’t know what you’re deal is but I think they’ve been punished more than enough for whatever they did wrong. Sam spent nearly two centuries in Hell. Cas died and then went fucking nuts and then spent a year in God’s armpit and let me tell you, that is not a place you wanna be. I spent forty years in hell and then spent another year in purgatory with every nasty thing I have every killed wanting my head on a spit.” Dean doesn’t care that he’s shouting. He’s angry, he’s sore, he just wants his brother and angel back, and this whole thing is stupid. “What on Earth could they have done to deserve any of this? I mean, what are you evening gonna do to them? Kill ‘em? ‘Cause I gotta admit, I am a lot less than okay with that plan.”_

_“Are you done?”_

_“You’re trying to take away the only family I have left. I am so far from done it’s not even funny.”_

_The old man actually looked startled at that, maybe even a little guilty. “We were… unaware of exactly how long Sam spent in Hell and the same for Cas and his time in what I can only assume is purgatory, the way you described it. There are certain things about other realms that are hidden from us and we are not always aware of penance already served.”_

_Dean’s jaw dropped. “So you judge people for what they do Earth, is that it? What kind of fucked up system is this?”_

_“It’s… not a perfect system, I’ll admit. We try to bring in witnesses but that can’t always be arranged. And this is a special case in itself. How many humans do you think come through here that have already been to hell? Or purgatory? You’re lucky you weren’t targeted, Dean.”_

_Dean clenched his jaw in deviance. “This is ridiculous. I want my brother back. I want Cas back. We’re going home. Now.”_

_“We can’t let you do that unfortunately.”_


	2. And this is How Things got Weirder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of what happened to get Dean into the situation he's in and domestic shenanigans.

The alarm clock beeped obnoxiously, startling Dean out of his fitful sleep. He hadn’t slept well since this whole thing began. He was too busy thinking about teaching Cas how to be human and too busy raising Sam and too busy trying to make this whole thing not blow up in his face.

7:00 AM glared mockingly in angry red letters; time to start the day. He rolled over to wake up Cas, only to find the spot on the bed next to him empty. Usually the angel – ex-angel – had an uncanny ability to sleep through the noise. Where could he possibly be?

He swung his legs over the edge of bed, dug his toes into carpet and stretched, trying to remain calm even as he felt panic flooding his system. “Cas?!”

“In here!”

He followed Cas’s voice into Sam’s nursery where Cas sat in the rocking chair, Sam in his lap, cradled against him, bottle placed carefully in Sam’s small hands. “Well look at you.”

“He was being fussy and loud and I thought you might want as much sleep as possible. He just needed a diaper change and a bottle.” Cas smiled up at Dean.

“So you can sleep through an alarm clock and a herd of elephants but not a crying child?” Dean nodded his head sharply. “At least you’re kinda useful.”

Cas’s face fell, all happy emotion draining from it, replaced with utter despair.

“Crap, Cas, I didn’t – I didn’t mean that. I just… ugh. Thank you for taking care of Sam. I’m sorry I’m being an asshole.” Dean came to kneel in front of Cas. “You’re plenty useful and you know it, I’m just tired and being an inconsiderate asshole.”

“I was just trying to take care of him,” choked Cas.

“I know, baby, I know.” Dean leaned his forehead on Cas’s knee. It was gonna be a long day.

***

_“What do you mean you can’t let me do that?!” Dean shouted._

_“There is an order to these things, Dean. There are punishments that must be dealt.”_

_“If we’re dealing out punishments so vehemently then where is mine? I tortured souls in Hell for ten years. I’m practically a serial killer!”_

_“Your punishment is coming.”_

_Dean grew silent. So it wasn’t just Sam and Cas he had to defend. Great._

_“Are these punishments set in stone or can they be negotiated?”_

_“Well aren’t we the optimist?” chimed in the small creature from earlier._

_Dean glared at the little creature. “What I mean is: what if they didn’t have to be punishments? What if… what if they were second chances… do overs per se?”_

_An eyebrow rose on the face of the elderly man. “A do over?”_

_“…Yeah.” Okay so it was a long shot but it didn’t hurt to try right?_

_There was murmuring from the rest of the crowd._

_“… we’ve never done…”_

_“… who does this guy…”_

_“… why I oughta…”_

_“SILENCE!”_

_The murmurs stopped._

_“We’ve never done something like that before. But you have made some interesting points. If what you say about Sam’s time in Hell and yours and Cas’s time in Purgatory is true, it might be more beneficial to have this ‘second chance’ rather than a punishment of sorts._

_“The only hang up I see is how do we go about this ‘second chance?’” He peered at Dean through one eye, all attention focused on the righteous man._

_Crap. Dean hadn’t really thought this through. “I dunno. Uh, give us a fair chance for starters? I mean Sam was doomed from the time he was six-months-old. I guess Cas was the moment he pulled me out of Hell. I don’t know where my fault was but my point is we – none of us - we never really had a fair chance. There were always other forces at work and I just – truth be told I’d rather never have to deal with Heaven or Hell or Purgatory or God’s ass crack or whatever ever again. I’d like to, for once in our God forsaken lives, actually feel in control. Do you think you could make that happen?”_

_The crowd was silent as Dean finished his impromptu speech. They looked like they might actually have been listening to him, like they might even be considering how to make Dean’s proposal happen._

_Dean glance to his left, eyes locked on Sam’s. He wasn’t sure any of what he had said would work, might as well apologize now while he still could. He smiled at Sam, trying to reassure him as well. He didn’t know if Sam had heard any of that but the look in Sam’s eye said he was thankful Dean was trying._

***

The spray of the shower was warm on Dean’s back, waking him up better than any cup of coffee.

When he finally entered the kitchen, Cas was standing at the stove making what probably should have been something like pancakes but looked more like pig slop.

Sam was in his high chair, cheerios strewn haphazardly across the tray, sippy cup of juice just barely out of reach, but he was sure trying to get it.

“Here you go, Sammy,” Dean scooted the cup toward Sam, kissed his forehead and headed towards the coffee pot. Cas might not have been able to cook but he sure could make a great cup of coffee.

“Cas, honey, what are you doing?” he asked, pouring himself a cup of the steaming liquid.

“I was… going to make you breakfast…”Cas sighed.

“Cas, I love you, but you’re not allowed to cook until I teach you, remember? I’ll just have toast or something. It’ll be fine.”

Cas looked heartbroken, eyes welling up, lip pouting. Cas still hadn’t gotten used to human emotions and he kind of let them out as they came.

“Hey, hey, come here, it’s okay,” Dean pulled Cas into a tight hug. “What do you say we cook dinner together tonight, alright?”

Cas nodded against Dean’s shoulder, sniffled as he tried to compose himself. “Yeah, okay. That sounds good.” He pulled away from Dean and dragged the back of his hand across his nose, wiping away tears and phlegm.

It was like raising a full grown child. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for dakt. because she's wonderful.


	3. Chapter 3

_It had only been about fifteen minutes but to Dean it felt like forever. These fucking ‘gods’ or ‘fates’ or what-the-hell ever they were, were taking their sweet time determining how Dean was gonna live the rest of his life – how they all would live the rest of their lives. Dean had only been able to look at Sam and Cas for so long before he decided these powers that be were taking too long and that probably meant he’d failed. At which point he solemnly sat down and started drawing random shapes on the floor._

_“We’ve reached a decision, Dean.”_

_Dean’s attention was immediately on them again._

_“You’re right. You never got a fair chance the first time because there were always other forces controlling your hand. You did okay with what you were given. You did stop the apocalypse after all,” the man smiled. “We are willing to give you – all three of you – a clean slate. But your souls, from what we can tell, are too damaged to start over right now and your angel doesn’t even have one. We’d need to… rewind you, to before all the things that made your life unfair.  For Sam it would be infanthood. For you it would be just before you sold your soul. For Castiel, we would, of course, simply grant him a soul.”_

_Dean slowly began to relax. Death would not be involved in this ‘punishment. This was something he could work with._

_“To give you a fair chance, we will set you up in a small house wherever you want. Your charge, should you choose to accept it: raise Sam Winchester right this time. Care for Castiel better than his father, brothers or sisters did. This is the fairest chance we can give you. What you choose to do beyond this is all on you. You will receive no further guidance from us or any other power. You will be completely on your own._

_“But be warned, Dean. Should you fail in this task, should either of them lean in a direction undesirable for any of you, the most severe punishments shall be set upon you. There will be no more second chances after this._

_“Any side-effects of this… transformation… will be yours to deal with. We can’t guarantee what those will be as this is not necessarily a practice we’ve carried out before._

_“Now, are you, Dean Winchester, prepared to take on the full responsibility of this situation? Are you prepared to care for and protect your Sam Winchester and Castiel with your life, keeping them from a life of evil, lest you pay with your own?”_

_Dean didn’t take more than two seconds to think about it. A clean slate? Keep his brother from evil or pay with his life? How hard could that be?_

_Dean raised his chin, looked the old man directly in the eye, and declared an unremorseful “Yes.”_

_“You’re not even gonna talk to Sam about this? Or Cas? You’re not going to make sure this is something they’re okay with?”_

_Dean looked at Sam curled up in his glass cage, his eyes locked on Dean, practically begging him to do something – anything – to make it all better. Dean turned to Cas, the ragged looking angel was pressed against the glass, eyes pleading with Dean for help._

_“You didn’t make it seem like this a thing that was up for mutual discussion, but I think they’ll be okay with it. Because at this point, anything is better than what we’ve been living through.” He turned back to the man defiantly. “Would they even be able to hear me, if I tried to talk to them?”_

_“I can make it to where they can if you like.”_

_“Then do it. Quit jerking my chain and do it.”_

_“As you wish.” The man didn’t move but suddenly Dean could hear Sam and Cas yelling at him from both sides._

_“Do it, Dean, please. It’s the only chance we’re going to get to do anything right. Do it!”_

_“Sam’s right, Dean. We will not get another chance like this. Please, for our sakes, do it.”_

_The silence from the corners returned._

_“It seems to me like they’re going to back my play. Anything else you feel like you need to let me do before I say ‘yes’?” Dean was smug and too sure of himself, but if this was the only chance they had, he was going to fucking take it._

_“No. I suppose not.”_

_“Then do it. Yes! Come on, make it happen. Clean slate two-point-oh. Come on! What are you waiting f-?”_

_Dean saw a bright light, heard a loud crack, felt his body hit a solid object, and then he blacked out._

***

It had only been a few weeks since the initiation of what Dean referred to as ‘Clean Slate 2.0’ and he hadn’t quite gotten used to the whole situation. He had a house that was his; he woke up in the same bed next to the same person every day. He had a family again and that in and of its self was kind of surreal.

Yet the whole thing felt vaguely familiar, and he couldn’t remember why.

All of this aside though, Dean had every intention of making good on his deal. Nothing would go wrong with this situation - which meant no hunting unfortunately. No taking Sam near things that could trigger darkness in him. No letting Cas see the bad things in the word. It pained Dean to pull them all away from that life, but he knew it would be better for all of them in the long run.

***

Leaving Cas alone with baby Sammy was touch and go in the beginning.

The first time Dean had come home to a house strewn with diapers, a very flustered Cas sitting in the middle of the living room, pouting, and a very naked Sammy in his playpen, laughing like only a small child could.

Dean didn’t even ask what had happened.

The second time he came home to a kitchen that looked like it had been attacked by an axe-murderer. Cas had tried to make spaghetti sauce by putting a can of Ragu in a pan – while it was still in the can.

Thus began the ‘Cas isn’t allowed to cook yet’ rule.

The third time Dean came home to finger paint on the walls put there by Cas himself. Cas was going through an artistic phase and had needed to express himself.

Dean locked the finger paints away after that.

Having been granted a human soul was having some interesting side-effects on Cas. He was essentially a small child trapped in the body of a 34-year-old man. Dean hadn’t been entirely sure what to expect but it most certainly was never this.

He had Sam to deal with as well. It almost hurt to see him that young again – so small and innocent. There was none of the once 30-year-old left in his eyes and it troubled Dean. Not to say that he didn’t still love Sam, or that he felt detached from him; he just thought that somehow maybe through all of this he might have gotten to keep a little reminder or something.

Apparently clean slates didn’t come with mementos from the past.

Part of Dean was glad though. Hopefully it meant Sam had no recollection of any of the horrors that had plagued him in his first life. Dean couldn’t imagine a six-month-old coping with thoughts of hell very well.

Then there was Dean: 35-years-old and 28-years-old at the same time. He had memories from the last eight years, he thought, ‘course he wouldn’t really know what he was missing, he supposed. He did know he didn’t have many nightmares anymore, which was something he was grateful of. Eventually he would stop worrying about the situation they were in and settle in. He didn’t know how long that would be but he hoped it would be soon. 


	4. Chapter 4

_Dean woke up with Sam draped across his torso, Cas draped across his legs, and a pounding in his head that would not go away._

_"Sammy, wake up. You're killing me, man, come on." He shoved at Sam, trying to wake him up, but Sam was unresponsive. "Sam? Come on, man. Cas? Get up guys. Hey, this isn't funny. Get up!"_

_Cas stirred just enough to roll off of Dean's legs and fall back asleep on the floor. Okay, progress. Dean bent his knees, planted his feet flat on the floor, and shoved at Sam. Sam slid to the floor, motionless next to Dean._

_Dean took a moment to look around the room they were in. It looked normal and relatively safe really. Okay, now he could panic._

_"Sammy, wake up! Sam!" He shook his little brother’s limp body. "Damn it, Sam! I did not just go to God knows where and back just to bring your ass back as a vegetable!"_

_Sam's eyes flashed open for a moment before he was suddenly reaching out for Dean, hands clawing at his face and chest._

_"I gotcha, Sammy. I gotcha. You're okay." Dean's hands closed over Sam's, steadying him._

_"No, Dean. It hurts."_

_Dean pulled Sam into his lap, wrapped his arms around his little brother, cradling him, rocking back and forth. "It’s gonna be okay, Sam. We'll make it okay." Dean knew the words were a lie even as he said them. His brother was about to disappear from him and he couldn't let him suffer alone._

_"Dean, my head. I can't - everything's crumbling."_

_"I know, baby boy, I know. I'm sorry, Sam. I'm so, so sorry."_

_A shriek tore from Sam's lungs and Dean couldn't make it stop. He just sat there, cradling his little brother as Sam slowly shrank in his arms._

_He couldn't watch. It was too painful._

_The front of his skull was on fire and it felt like sparks where flying along his skin. The pain sent him sprawling to the floor. From across the room, he heard Cas scream, voice piercing the air as if he were dying._

_There was a bright light where Cas had been, the now infant-sized Sam was wailing in his arms, and Dean felt like he'd been thrown against a wall._

_Everything stopped. All pain, all sound, all light, it was dark, silent; Dean could barely hear himself breathe._

_Then Sam started to cry._

_Dean had never heard a more beautiful sound in his life._

***

Grocery stores still weirded Dean out. Hell shopping for two adults and an infant for more than a night's worth of snacks still weirded him out.

The cart was full of diapers, baby food, baby formula, milk - lactose free for Cas, - an array of fruits and veggies Dean wasn't entirely sure he ever wanted to eat, cans upon cans of soup and quite a few frozen meals. Yes, Dean could cook. No, Dean didn't always want to.

He'd come to the store looking for something to make for dinner, and with all that was in the cart, he still had no ideas. He turned down the next freezer aisle and spotted a bag of breaded chicken breasts. Yeah, that was probably about as good as it was gonna get.

The blonde cashier was over friendly, questioning him about the kid he obviously had.

"Forgive me for asking, but is the mother in the picture?"

"No, but the father is." Dean replied through a forced smile.

"Oh... but I thought you were the-"

"I am."

"Oh... OH! Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so intrusive and just... Oh I'll stop now."

"It's okay, sweetheart. Just ask more directly next time."

He paid and left quickly, grabbing all the bags without the pretense of the cart.

Once upon a time he would have been thrilled that a baby seemed to attract women better than anything. But after a while it got repetitive. It wasn't like Cas and he were exclusive. Hell, Dean didn't even know if they were technically together. This whole thing had kind of thrown a monkey wrench in the relationship aspect of things. With Cas not entirely coherent or adult-like half the time, and Sam as well... Sammy, Dean hadn't really brought it up. The fact that they were even sleeping in the same bed was purely for comfort.

Okay so maybe Dean had some things he had to work through but they could wait.

At the car, he tossed all the bags into the trunk. The trunk itself was empty of any of its usual weaponry or paraphernalia. All of that was locked in a storage trunk in the shed in the backyard of their little farmhouse.

***

_It was almost comical how badly the tiny Sammy was drowning in the shirt he'd fit in perfectly only moments ago._

_"Oh, Sam, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It'll be okay. Shh, shh." He rocked Sam back and forth in his arms._

_Cas stirred on the floor, a groan escaping him as he tried to sit up._

_"Dean?" he called, his voice small and meek. "Dean, I feel strange. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I don't like this, Dean. I don't like it."_

_"You're fine, Cas. You're gonna be fine. Come here."_

_"What happened to Sam? Why do you look younger? Why am I asking so many questions?"_

_"I guess they came through on their deal."_

_"I hurt, Dean. All over." Cas curled against Dean._

_"I know, Cas; I know."_

_"And I'm terribly hungry all of a sudden."_

_"Let's figure out our surroundings and then we'll figure out food, okay?" Dean pushed off the floor to stand up and reached down to help Cas up._

_"Yeah. Okay."_

***

"Cas! I'm home!" Dean called as he opened the door from the garage.

Silence.

"Cas?" Dean started to panic. He set the bags on the counter and slipped a hand in between the stove and the counter, fingers wrapping around the butt of his favorite gun. He was careful, not stupid.

"Cas!?" he tried again. "I really need you to answer me, man."

"What? Oh sorry, we're in the bathroom!" Cas called down.

'We're?' Sam was with him then.

"Damn it, Cas, don't scare me like that," he said, walking into the bathroom.

“I’m sorry. Sam needed a bath and I wasn’t listening for anything specific at all I just-” Cas blurted out quickly.

“Cas, it’s okay. It’s fine. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Thank you for giving Sam a bath. That was very sweet of you. And thank you for not making a mess while I was gone.

Cas’ eyes widened to comical proportions.

“Oh no. What happened?”

“Don’t go in the living room.” Cas slowly stepped toward the bathroom door.

“What’d you do?”

“Nothing. I’ll fix it. It’ll be fine.” He stopped in front of the door, arms splayed wide like he was afraid Dean would try to barrel through him to get to the living room.

“Cas…”

“I, uh, spilled. Everything.”

“What do you mean you spilled everything?”

“Okay so Sam was in his playpen and I wanted to watch a movie so I went in the kitchen to make some popcorn and I came back and Sam was out of his playpen and I dropped the popcorn and then I tripped over the cord to the lamp and fell on the floor and Sam was crawling away towards the stairs and I panicked and just jumped over the sofa and knocked over my soda that was on the end table and it got all over Sam and so I immediately gave him a bath and I was gonna clean it all up before you got home… but I didn’t.”

“Oh, Cas. It’s okay. Nothing we can’t fix, I promise.”

“It was grape soda.”

Dean burst into laughter. “Trust me, Cas. We can clean it up. How about you start vacuuming downstairs and I’ll finish Sam’s bath okay?”

“Right. Vacuum. Okay.”

***

The house was modest: a downstairs, upstairs, one car garage, and a backyard suitable for a kid and a dog.

The first time he saw it, Dean had thought it would be the perfect place and time to get that dog Sam always wanted.

It had three bedrooms: a nursery, master bedroom, and a guest room. They had all tried sleeping in separate rooms at first. A terrible decision really. Dean spent the whole night worrying about Sam; Sam spent the whole night crying; Cas spent the whole night flitting between enraptured amusement at the shapes on the wall and pure terror at being left alone – a pattern only cured by his eventual decision to pick up Sammy from his room and crawl into bed with Dean.

They moved the crib into the master bedroom the next night, kept it there for a while even, until Dean decided Sam would be safe in the nursery again.

The house hadn’t come equipped with any fortifications against the supernatural as far as Dean could tell, a flaw soon fixed after a quick trip to the nearest department store for salt, spray paint, and dinner for Cas, who for the first time in his life – with the exception of the hamburgers – was actually begging for food. Dean didn’t know if the baddies were still out there but frankly he wasn’t willing to take that chance – call him paranoid or whatever.

Domestic life was something Dean hadn’t had a lot of in his life. And if he had, well he couldn’t remember it. He was willing to change that now, for Sam and for Cas. Sam didn’t need to grow up a hunter’s kid twice and Cas didn’t need that in the first place.

At least Dean still had his Baby. That had been a huge relief. She was something familiar and reliable; a little piece of his old life and a reminder not to go back. She had changed a bit: no trunk full of weapons, no sigils carved into the metal, no rattle of Legos in the air vents, and no toy soldier shoved into the ashtray. Dean missed these things, but he knew it was for the better. It gave him and Sam a chance to do things over – do things right.

And truth be told, Dean had never been more scared of anything in his life. 


	5. Petals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months later and things are going great for Dean, Cas, and little Sammy. Until Dean comes home and learns that it's not all perfect in paradise like he thought it was.

It didn't take long for Dean to figure out that even though the three of them had changed, the world had kept on moving like it was supposed to. He wasn't sure why he had thought otherwise. It's not like he was particularly desperate to live through the 80's or 90's again, he just didn’t think things would be so… normal.

They still had Sam's birthday on the same day they used to: May 2nd of every year. They'd just had to move his birth year to 2013 instead of 1983. Easier to keep track of anyway.

Dean didn't bother trying to figure out his new age. It hurt his head to think about it too much, so he stopped counting. It wasn't like it really mattered anyway.

Cas though had insisted that since he was now human, he needed a birthday. A declaration of "September eighteenth sounds like a good day" settled that issue quickly. He didn't bother picking a year though. It made things easier without one.

By Sammy's first birthday they had a routine figured out. Cas would babysit while Dean spent the day looking for work, usually picking up odd jobs in town - groceries didn't buy themselves after all.

Cas had actually become a pretty decent cook - once Dean finally taught him how to cook anyway. He could flip a fried egg without breaking the yolk and his bacon was so crispy it was practically chips. All he'd needed was a little guidance, and Dean had a feeling he spent most of his time watching the Food Network too. His dishes were becoming more flavorful and elaborate and random spices kept ending up in the cabinets and on the grocery list. Dean could hardly keep up with him in the kitchen nowadays.

Sam got to have a relatively normal infanthood. He learned to walk and talk and run and play and do all the things little boys were supposed to do. Mud pies were a regular treat greeting Dean from their place on the front porch where Cas had told Sam to leave them to 'bake.'

Dean had learned he couldn’t remember all of what happened of the six years “the powers that be” had taken away from him. Cas would make some remark, expect him to remember or quip back and Dean would stare at Cas like he was an alien. Cas always got a sad look on his face after those episodes. Dean brushed it off as something to be taken care of later. Sam came first.

Turned out the neighborhood they lived in? Full of other little kids. Playdates soon became a regular Saturday afternoon escapade and Sammy never came home clean. At least he was having fun, Dean figured. He was having the childhood he didn’t get to have the first time around – that’s what Dean would tell himself anyway. It’s how he kept himself from worrying he’d made the wrong decision. Even six months later, it ate at him. Had he really made the right choice? Sam’s last cry of ‘ _Do it!’_ rang through his head constantly, made him doubt his actions over and over. Then he’d remember the look of pain that had crossed Sam’s face just before he’d become an infant again, and he’d doubt his actions even further. The only way to cure his ills? A smile from Sammy, a good meal from Cas and a good long pull from a bottle of Jack. He had no intention of being a drunk while raising Sammy but let’s be real, old habits are hard to break.

And there was Cas, ‘growing up’ remarkably fast. It probably was a mix of the bad daytime TV and the cooking shows but Cas definitely wasn’t the five-year-old-trapped-in-an-adult’s-body he was six months ago. He’d gotten mischievous and rotten but half the time was more of an adult than Dean himself. Damn teenager is what he was, and something was definitely up with him. Dean kept finding little notes and tips on how to woo a loved one around the house. Dean wasn’t sure who Cas was trying to ‘woo’ but whoever they were, definitely a lucky person.

That’s what Dean thought until the day he came home to flower petals on the bed anyway.

“CAS!”

Cas came scampering out of the bathroom, towel wrapped loosely around his waist, face practically beaming. “Yes, Dean?”

“If you’re gonna be bringing home girls, you need to at least warn me. And not do them in my – our bed.”

“Why would I be bringing home girls?” Cas tilted his head slightly, his face slowly losing its glow as concern crossed his features.

“The flower petals.”

“Those aren’t for some other woman…” Cas was starting to look sick.

Dean leaned against the door frame, “they’re… what?”

Cas swallows hard, throat bobbing nervously. “Those aren’t for some other woman. I was hoping to be finished by the time you got home because I had this whole amazing evening planned. I was gonna cook something amazing and then maybe we’d talk and I found a babysitter for Sam and I was hoping it’d be a good evening and then we’d come to bed and the flower petals were for you okay?”

“Wait, you left Sam with a babysitter?”

“He’s literally next door, Dean. He’s fine. Is that really the only thing you heard out of that whole paragraph?”

“No. I’m just ignoring the other stuff right now.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why?”

Cas stepped towards Dean. “Why are ignoring what’s right in front of you, Dean? You realize you haven’t touched me in over eight months?”

“Haven’t touched you in eight months? Listen, Cas I don’t know what you’ve been smoking but I never ‘touched you,’ buddy. Didn’t happen. I know you rescued me from hell and all, but we never did anything okay. Because if we did, it meant I had some eye opening revelation about liking dick. Something like that’s gonna be important right. And if it was important to me? I would have remembered it. And I don’t, Cas. I don’t. I just don’t. So it couldn’t have been that important right? Couldn’t have happened?”

Cas was on the brink of tears. “You don’t remember,” he stated softly.

“Of course I don’t remember something that never happened, Cas. Why would I?”

“I thought… I had hoped that you were just trying to work through things and that if I waited and made an effort to show you that I was still devoted to you that you would come around, that you would come back to me and we’d be together again like we were. You don’t know how hard it is sharing a bed with you and thinking that you might leave me at some point. But now I find out this whole time you didn’t even remember, so everything I’ve been doing has been for nothing. The elaborate dinners, never straying from you, always being your support and all this time, you had no idea why. I mean didn’t you ever wonder why I went through the trouble? Didn’t it ever strike you as odd?” Cas was sobbing lightly by the end of his rant, nearly curled in on himself as he leaned against the wall.

 


	6. The Fix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all gonna be okay I promise.

To his credit, Dean didn’t bolt out the door at Cas’s revelations. He did however stand there like an idiot, mouth gaping as he tried to process the bombshell Cas had just dropped on him. Cas was his. Cas didn't give him time to though as he slid down the wall, curling up into a puddle on the floor. Dean lunged forward to catch him, the sudden need to protect Cas from himself and Dean's thoughtlessness drowning out all else.

"I just don't understand why, Dean - or how? I mean, you loved me. I loved you and e ere together, I just don't understand how you don't remember? Just explain to me please!" Cas's hands scrabbled at Dean's arm's trying to find purchase and solidarity as it felt like his world was crashing down around him. "You called me, 'Baby' and I thought you were trying to say something. Trying to get me to remember, to grow up so you wouldn't feel alone anymore and my head was fuzzy and it took me a bit to get it but I get it now and you don't remember. I need you to remember though because this - " Cas gestured vaguely towards the room and then between them " - is killing me, Dean."

There was a moment of silence. Cas waited for noise or breath or anything until he finally whispered "say something, please."

"I don't know what to say - I can't think." Dean's head was a mess of repressed feelings and memories that surged forward at Cas's plea. He wanted to scream with joy as much as he wanted to grab Cas's face and his mouth once again. But it had been so long and he was so worried about Cas's mental state that all he could do was pull him closer and rap his arms around Cas's shaking shoulders as he tucked his head into Dean's neck. "I'm so sorry, baby. I know it hurts. I know what sharing that bed is like because I feel it every night. I'm so, so sorry."

Cas sniffled, trying to compose himself. Confusion clouded his features as he raised his face to look at Dean. "You remember?" He pulled back a little, "why did you try and make me think you didn't like me like that? Why would you try and ignore this for so long?"

"I don't know. I didn't want to scare you or hurt and you were so childlike and not yourself I didn't want to take advantage. I wanted to just let you grow up by yourself, without me pushing you one way or the other. I didn't know you were in that much pain. I figured you'd bring it up one day, push me against a wall and lay it out for me like you did once. I didn't expect some big romantic gesture." Dean pointed to the bed. "I think you may have been watching too much daytime TV if you think that's what you need to do to get me into bed."

"So this is okay?" Cas looked wary, like he was afraid the illusion would shatter if he pushed too much. "I was trying to make it better than last time, you know? Do it right. Maybe like court and stuff I hadn't gotten that far. But be romantic none-the-less." Cas wiped at his eyes before grabbing Dean's face gently in his hands. " I want you, Dean. I think I'm grown enough to know when I want things and can and can't have them."

Dean smiled, covering Cas's hands with his own before bringing their foreheads together. "Are you sure about that? Cause I mean I have a kid now and he brings in all the babes, you might have some serious competition on your hands." Dean smirked.

"You're mine, Dean. I'm yours and no 'babes' could get in the way of that."

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by dakt37 and her incredible deaged!Sam comic. She tag-vomited about an 'excruciatingly over-dramatic' version of her's and I kinda turned it into reality.


End file.
